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This week, the GQ Doctor reveals what happens to our bodies when we do. Our writer plots out the film and soundtrack. Here’s how to find the yin to your yang, as advised by Susan Quilliam of Welldoing. Up until very recently, choosing a partner was a one-off event.
Our grandparents would date a little in their teens, then partner up after finishing their studies or starting their career. It may have been romantic, but a single lifetime partner choice was sometimes uninformed, unwise, or the start of a lifetime’s misery. I see in my teaching and coaching is that one main pitfall is a sense of failure. After first love, we may move on – even if we ourselves choose to make the move – with a painful regret around our previous choices, and a growing anxiety about our future ones. So how can we avoid making the same mistakes again? First, we need to look to the past. Our previous partner choices will certainly have been based on the mental presuppositions that we’ve gained over the years, from the very beginning.
Did childhood instability make us opt for uber-chaotic and unhappy – or uber-stable and boring – partnerships? Family, friends, the media will all have given us deep – but not necessarily correct or wise – beliefs about what a relationship should be. Now could be the time to examine those beliefs carefully and lay some aside. Even if we want a relationship, often we aren’t ready.
It’s hugely tempting to assuage the fresh agony of a recent relationship ending – and the lingering pain of all the previous endings – by partnering again. In other words, you are unlikely to be capable of making good choices about your next love until you’re well clear, and have deeply learned the lessons, of your previous one. But that kind of overwhelming feeling of chemistry is, physiologically as well as emotionally, an altered state. Here’s one mistake almost everyone makes: seeking a person not a partnership. Because what matters is less who you pair with as the relationship that results from that pairing. You may well find a match, but ultimately it may not be the match that delivers the happiness you want.
Then find a partner who gives you that experience, and – whatever they look like and whatever their hobbies – they’ll prove a good choice. That said, there are three factors on which you should stand firm – that a partner has similar values, similar life goals and a complementary personality. Then, if there’s no compatibility, have the strength to walk away. Nowadays, we tend to want – and to expect – it all. 60 per cent of our needs met by our partner, we are doing well.