How much love anxious attachment style dating you need? How much love do YOU need?
Ever wondered why you become clingy as soon as you have a partner? Or why you’re unable to stick in a relationship for long? Everyone – whether they have just started dating or have been married for 40 years – falls into one of these categories. By understanding which one you are, you can view your own behaviour and the actions of people around you in a new light. In either case, you’ll start to experience change – for the better. The science of attachment is based on the fact that we are all biologically programmed to find love.
Although we live in a culture that tells us independence is good, nothing could be further than the truth. People in good relationships have been found to live longer, healthier lives. ROWAN PELLING’S SEX ADVICE: My ex-love wants a one-night stand. This system explains why a child parted from his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly or cries uncontrollably until he or she re-establishes contact with her. It also explains the way we behave in our adult relationships. But while we all have this need for attachment, the way we show it differs. If a secure baby’s mother left the room he would start crying, but as soon as she returned he calmed down and started to play again.
The anxious baby was distressed, but when the mother came back, he pushed her away and burst into tears. Finally, the avoidant baby acted as if nothing had happened when the mother left and returned to the room. But tests showed that his heart rate and levels of the stress-hormone, cortisol, rose. Research has now shown that adults behave in a startlingly similar way to babies when it comes to romantic relationships.
Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and keep their distance. By using attachment theory both your own behaviour and that of others no longer seems baffling and complex, but rather predictable So, which attachment style are you? You have the capacity for great intimacy. But you often fear that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like. Relationships tend to consume a lot of your emotional energy.
You are sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s mood and you take your partner’s behaviour overly personally. You worry if you don’t hear from your partner regularly. Making your partner feel jealous by telling them about other men. This is a sign of an overly-sensitive attachment system. Even a hint that something is wrong upsets you so much that you are unable to calm down until you get a clear indication from your partner that the relationship is safe. It is important for you to maintain your independence and you often prefer autonomy to intimacy. While you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length.
You don’t spend much time worrying about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partner and they often complain that you are distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for signs of control or impingement by your partner. Avoiding physical closeness – for example, not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner. If you’re avoidant, you use these strategies to make sure the person you love won’t get in the way of your autonomy. But, at the end of the day, these tools are standing in the way of you being happy in a relationship.